 Are you becoming aware of God's desire to draw you into more life with Him? If you’re here, I know it’s because you long for more. You desire change and growth. You desire to be fully formed in this life you’ve been given with Christ.
We're fragile, image-conscious, seeking to find value in something. This gets in our way at times, but you know what? I don’t want you to disregard these things too quickly. These are the very real things in our broken selves that give Jesus a way to minister personally to us. It gives us a way to know Him as He does. We all still need Him. Hear me when I say, don’t look away. Set your gaze on Jesus, what He can do in you, and wait in it with Him. This is the formational journey. When we first glimpse something in us that makes us feel uncomfortable (sin in our hearts, guilt that plagues us, fear of real intimacy), we tend to look away and try to make it about something else. But, set your gaze on Jesus. This is the path that informs us while He forms us into Christlikeness and our truest, deepest selves. We can look at how saints who have gone before us met Him where they were at. How He met them where they were, but we must learn how to live it ourselves. We tend to avoid looking at how we feel, how we think, and why we act the way we do. We tend to fear awareness, but awareness is the gift that God designed for us to have for life. Awareness is the grace from His heart to ours. I keep practicing this in my life—this awareness of my own tendencies. There’s no other way I can be formed and grow spiritually with Christ and mature as a disciple if I don’t keep noticing myself. I’ve been doing some more writing lately. So much of it isn’t on this page yet. It’s lying quietly on the living room floor of my soul while I sit beside it. For much of my life, I’ve desired to find a way around the hard parts and run ahead to what I think will give me something better than pain and questions. I long to see the story come together because I trust Jesus and know it will be a beautiful ending. I’m aware of pieces of my life on these pages. Some feel fragmented and a little shaken up and disheveled. Other pieces on these pages feel so deep and clear and full of healed understanding. I keep noticing. I keep looking. While desiring to see things come together isn’t wrong, at times, it’s just not conducive to the inner work Christ is doing inside. So as I continue sitting, knowing His presence with me, I’m continuing to see everything connecting and threading into my story. I’m seeing who I am. Though there have been painful years of spiritual longing and confusion, there’s someone very particular I was created to keep becoming. Friend, He’s not finished with our story. Because watching and waiting and tending the life of your soul is so much better than running away to try and move on from it all or staying too long to try to prove something. God knows I’ve seen myself capable of both. But, through the love of our Father, the life of Jesus, the indwelling presence of the Spirit, we’re saying yes to partnering with Him in Kingdom glory. The truth is the Spirit comes and stays with us and helps us receive the healing awareness and transformation we’re all in need of. When we look away or refuse to sit down, we only delay our journey to wholeness and closeness with Him and others. Yet, the Spirit still stays right here waiting for us. I appreciate how God designed us to function and learn if we're open to sitting down. God has more He's working on for me, and He does for you. Take a few moments right now. Come and sit on the living room floor for a little while.  The ice holds the dam in place, giving us time to watch what God is doing while we rest and wait.
Winter is a gift. I didn’t always think that, but it’s true. I used to feel like it was the hardest season but as I've allowed God to lead me into it, I've gotten to intimately know what it’s like to let Him love me in deepening ways. I get to practice opening my arms to Him, my heart and mind to Him, so I can be fully formed in His likeness, with His character and heart. There is so much waiting in Winter. Without Winter, I might not know how to experience the prolonged subtle slowing of the pace of nature. Water slowly freezing experiencing its own form of waiting. Trees sleep from their work of producing and the soil beneath us freezes too, I bear witness to a holy invitation. In Winter, I feel a drawing to enter my life more slowly, so I can continue to notice the things He’s doing in me. God calls us into seasons of deepening knowing if we dare go into that honest place with Him. Dare I do because I don’t see another way to live anymore. Right before Winter began, I felt a call to resign from one of my jobs. I experienced an invitation so clear to my soul that it felt almost audible. A soft whisper distilled my struggle to show myself worthy was now a place at rest within me. It was miraculous. For the first time in my life, what felt like the deepest part of who I am took a deep breath, dared to stop, and stood still. It required some spiritual courage to let go of something I’ve tried to manage for so long and it brought a great feeling of freedom. It feels vulnerable and also exciting to follow Him into a new way of being. It’s encouraging to realize that God’s invitations are actually better than the way I do things. I know He is good so I can’t help but experience a sense of anticipation over what He’s doing within me and the ripple effects it will have after Winter ceases and the dammed waters flow again. God is continuously calling us to participate in who He is and what He is doing. I sometimes think as Christians, we prefer to believe that God is God, and we’re not, so there’s not much for us to do or decide. We don't recognize just how personal our God is. We stay busy distracting ourselves with control instead of looking at what's really going on in ourselves. But that’s not the way to transformation. If we genuinely want to grow in our relationships with God, that desire requires us to commit to doing our part. Thankfully, God doesn’t need us to do much but He does need us to remain open. He already has a plan for something good and life-changing in the waiting. We get to welcome Him into every space and season of our lives and relationships trusting in His holy invitations. He helps us realize that our truest desire is to have nothing in between Him and us, to start experiencing what it will be like to be fully with Him and completely restored one day. What does God want to do within you in this season of your soul? Are you open? What do you notice happening inside of you? How do you feel? What is God’s desire for you? Spend a few minutes listening to your answers. Journal a little. Read a Scripture slowly and wait with Him. Jeremiah 6:16, Psalm 23:2-3, Psalm 62:1-2  I used to resent and like Fall at the same time. Fall's colorful brilliance leads to a long cold Winter and I don't like that very much. But the more I allow myself to sit with God and experience Him, the more I find myself relieved from my own expectations and happy to embrace His invitations.
I felt something different this year. What God was doing in nature seemed to be in sync with what He's doing in me. My husband and I drove this morning with warm drinks between our hands. We were riding around looking at houses, but what I noticed were trees. I felt like a child, amazed at what I could see now that the leaves were not blocking anything! The bare, exposed forest allowed everything to be seen. Things that were hidden behind the leaves protective coverings were now open. It is still what it was but now it's standing differently. Like a field of grass, the forest is now beautifully exposed. The trees didn't grasp to keep the leaves on. Instead, it simply opened its arms surrendering to the season its Creator says is "good." So today, nearing the end of November, the trees stand tall and bare without seemingly anything to protect them but maybe trusting now more than ever. It's symbolic of an inner experience, and acceptance of God's good work. It's an experience of a fuller embracing of our true self who is seen, and wanted, and lovingly restored by Him. After a holy releasing occurs, we see things we couldn't see before. We see God and His activity at work, in and over all life. Embrace the season of soul work the Holy Spirit wants to do in you. Hold it with a willing spirit, strengthened and humbled in that posture. Wait for Him to show you things you couldn't see before. In the meantime, love Him by loving others. The bareness might feel frightening at first, but if you keep letting go, you'll see the healing and deepening freedom He's after. Take a deep breath and stand in what He's already doing.  I took my final seminary exam Monday night. After a lot of hard work and juggling family and work life, I’ve completed my time at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. All at once, I’m delighted, relieved, and thankful.
Today, I felt an invitation to slow down and reflect on the experience over the course of the last 14 months with my professors and the authors I read. These men and women are brilliant and humble teachers of God’s Word and have greatly encouraged me. But, I find myself moving into the personal layer of my growth with God throughout this special time. One might think the biggest thing I learned was facts about the Bible and the methods of interpretation developed and used throughout church history. While understanding more about the dynamics and different parts of Scripture is necessary and a high value for all who want to know God, I find myself favoring how God has personally changed me throughout my seminary experience. Like many of us, I grew up in church environments that valued appearing right over transformation. Isn’t that sad? I continue to witness the temptation for all of us to fall into this broken mindset. We inadvertently forget Jesus came to save us from the exact ways we protect and prop ourselves up because of sin's effect on us. Jesus and I have walked together throughout this time. He’s invited me to let the pressure go that I thought I had to have on myself, especially because I’m a woman in the church. (The sad reality is, women of God feel like they have to work harder to prove themselves worthy but that's actually part of the enemies lie - let’s talk about that more later.) He’s enabled me to walk humbly, thanking Him for His power at work within me instead of relying on others to encourage me. He’s shown me more about what it's like to enjoy living from a posture of openness to let Him lead in the ways He knows the Holy Spirit can accomplish change in us. And the most vulnerable, are you ready to hear this because apparently, I'm ready to tell you. He’s shown me I’m not a mistake. How He designed me has never seemed to fit in the church model and I've battled with that thought for years. He created me well and wants to use me in a unique way. I’m meant to be here. My time in seminary was life-changing, not because of the gift of good professors, the books, and God’s Word, but because of God Himself. Everything He gives us and the importance of these things are meant to lead us straight to Him. So, if my time in seminary has done anything, it’s made me fall more in love with Him and shown me what life to the full is again.  God not only hears our voice, but he hears our heart. Something my pastor said last Sunday that was so good and true.
God is not an emotionally detached father. He cares about how we feel. He cares enough to guide us through our questions too. He understands our whole story. He wants to love us and guide us into a deeper reality with Him. To know more deeply who He is and who we are as His. Not only does God hear us, but He wants to hear from us. His invitations happen on the inside and take time. He welcomes us to participate in our own healing, continual dialogue between His truth and our honesty. We'll experience starts and stops as we see more fully what we need to open up about. Thank you, Holy Spirit. I'm in an "in-between" waiting place right now on my journey. It's holy. It's good. There's beauty here. This place is a part of contemplating what it's like to live into who I am in Christ at this point in my life. It also feels vulnerable because now I have more questions than I did before. All of us experience these moments on our journeys. We can choose to look away from our deep questions or lean into them with trust and experience healing and deeper relationship. Jesus made a way for us to become whole and healed and learn how to live from the Father's original desire. He wants us to face forward and learn how to steward this life with Him. He created us to live in the present, looking out toward the future with hope together. This season feels vulnerable, and yet there's a profound confirmation of healing taking place! The enemy will, at times, tempt us to look and get lost in old pain, and that is not where the Lord is saying to look. Instead, I see Jesus, His eyes drawing me to the provision of the present, in His presence, as He and I peer into the future together. My Father not only wants to hear from me, but He wants me to see Him beside me right where I am, right where He's working. As I wait, I stand in deepening communion with Him. The Lord is gifting us with many who are being readied to go further and deeper on this Christlike journey. He's gifting us with time to get there together. He's gifting us with the trust that's needed to pursue healing and the future together. Where do you find yourself right now? Who can you share with? What are you and Jesus talking about? How are you knowing His presence and love right where you are? Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” - Matthew 11:28-29 (MSG.)  Today I came home from a silent overnight retreat. As Spring began here in New England, I wanted to press pause on my responsibilities and enjoy how the Spirit has been forming and freeing me in life with Him lately. Seasons come and go and come again, ebbing and flowing like ocean waves on the sand. Winter gives nature a time to rest from its work of producing before Spring calls it to wake again.
I often think of the connections between human life and all God's creation around us and how He calls a soul out to life after times of dormancy. When we can't process each layer of our pain the Spirit is still working in the dormancy of our waiting. Sometimes, we actually start thinking that it’s God we’re waiting on to act and make a change in our life, but it’s really Him asking, “Are you ready to enter into this with Me?” "Are you ready to join Me on the soil where I'm already working?" If we watch, God has created seasons to speak to us, and one thing He seems to be saying again is that we don’t have to remain where we are because we're created for a life changing relationship with Him. There's so much hope in His invitation. We all have had formative experiences that have changed us and left an important part of us wounded, questioning our worth. I can't picture better imagery for the life of the soul than the ever-flowing rhythms of the seasons, and Spring above all others is the testimony of what appears hindered and stuck is just waiting for more light to shine on it. This means there's hope for the place in you that's been waiting for assurance, healing, and love. Above all of creation, God wanted to create us with enough intellect to choose to tend this inner life of the soul with Him or not. We're actually able to lean in or avoid it. But, the journey Jesus invites us on with Him is about full restoration. He wants to heal and make us whole so that we don't only bear His image because He created us, but become people who look and think and feel like Him too. New life is waiting this Spring. Where are you being invited to come out of your waiting and join Him where He's already working? What spot on the soil of your soul does He want to bend down and look at with you? Sit down in some stillness or take a slow walk in nature. Be mindful of what imagery from "Spring" seems to speak to the life of your soul right now. Watch for His holy invitations in this new season of hope and reach out for support. |
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