This weekend I spent half the Saturday simply sitting on my deck under the sunshine, experiencing the sights and sounds of the birds coming to eat. I saw the yard work that will need tending. I saw the fallen branches, the leaves lying in wait from last season. But, I hear birds' wings breeze past me with songs from their friends responding from the woods. I smell the, now unfrozen, earth beneath. I feel the gentle movement of the Spirit invite me to have a seat and sense I'm right where I need to be. Work can wait.

Spring is for renewal, not just of nature but of soul and today my soul needed tending most of all. 

This time nurtures trust. This reminds me I already have everything I need, and everything else can wait. As I let go of my work for a little while, Jesus and I got to enjoy what he's been working on in me. It feels as if God himself was giving me a hug.

​Being able to sit still - still feels relatively new for me. I've always enjoyed watching the birds come to my feeders, but over the years, as life started piling up, I began resisting rest and enjoyment for the comfort control gave me as I crossed things off my to-do list. I would use "doing" to protect me from the deep wounds I felt in me. For a long time, I couldn't sit with Jesus like this and quite frankly, I started missing him. 

The spiritual journey helps us see what motivates us, the habits that drive us, and the ways we particularly cope in life.

Like the part of me that thinks everything needs to be done and put in place before I can rest and enjoy. Awareness to this part of us signals a need to connect with God in His trusting love. To get glimpses of this side of myself feels like a glorious exchange, but it is tough work. I love how Marilyn Vancil, in her book, "Self To Lose Self To Find" calls the dual parts of us the "Adapted Self" and the "Authentic Self". It's a lot like how Saint Paul said, "Old Self" and "New Self." The "Old Self" is the part of me that is broken, straining, disconnected from God's presence and provision trying to make something happen. The "New Self" is the true part of me, created in God's image, trusting, connected.

We each have these two dueling sides, and Jesus' invitation is always for us to let go and step more deeply into the full life where our true self in God waits to be embraced. I keep learning life is so much less about what I do and so much more about how and why I do it. Am I using what I can do to make myself feel in control, content, protected, satisfied? Am I willing to see the compulsion of this "Old Self" of mine for what it is and tell Jesus I want to lay it down? 

I don't know what your particular tendencies may be, but leaning into the full life Jesus came to give is about noticing God and noticing ourselves. It's being a christian knowing we still need help. It's becoming aware of the transformation we tend to resist when responding to life in a certain way gives us a momentary release but no long term benefit. 

Freedom from what drives us is a taste of the full life, the healed life Jesus came to give! Freedom tastes so good when we can get there with Him. Saying no to what drives us is hard, inner work but it's work that's worth it because it's work that will last. It's work that will bless you when you want to simply sit and watch the birds. 

What does the "Old Self" look like in you and are you willing to say "no" to it when you see it?
How might you let God embrace you and lead you into renewal this Spring?

"The Lord is my shepherd, I have all that I need."  - Psalm 23:1 NLT

Would it help you to have a place to come and share what you're noticing inside you?
​Message Amy if you want to set up a time for spiritual direction. 

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now." 
- Rainer Maria Rilke 

​I have many memories of myself jumping to answers or "quick-fix" solutions to a challenge to escape the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing because of them. It used to be my 'normal' to attempt to control because I didn't know any other way. I'm aware of how living with a question that feels so pressing and uncomfortable to one's heart and mind doesn't feel good. I remember what I would experience. 

I would have a question or feel like there was a problem. I would take control, figure it out, and go about trying to fix it, but nothing seemed to truly progress. I was a Christian, a Jesus follower, but I didn't know how to apply the things that were unresolved in my heart and let them be a part of my relationship with him. I didn't know yet how the uncomfortable parts were inviting me into a deeper relationship.

I believe our ability to hold our questions is crucial because if we can't we ignore one of the biggest parts of what makes us human. Our value and his purposes for us are difficult for us to see if we can't look and ask and wait in our real longings inside this sacred relationship. When we can't wait with our questions, we tend to rush ahead, trying to make something else work or happen instead.

In other words, we tend to try to control and manage life instead of discerning what Jesus is doing
in our life. 

True connection with God as my love and my guide draws me toward maturity, understanding, and grace. My increasing capacity to be attentive to myself in God's presence brings light and truth into my heart. As I wait for the awareness I need to hear, friendship with Jesus becomes more personal. When I rush away from my questions, it actually disregards the experience of relationship.

When I try to answer too quickly, take control, and figure out a solution on my own, I haven't given myself a chance to experience Jesus and hear His voice in the situation. 

Becoming present to ourselves, to Jesus, and at times a trusted soul friend nourishes a deeper feeling than a quick-fix response ever can, but it requires going there with him. It takes practice.

Starter Prayer ...

Father, Son, and Spirit, help me lean on you instead of running into my own conclusions. Enable me by your spirit to listen in prayer and in life as you reveal what I need to know. Your revelations, your heart, your wisdom means more to me than feeling like I have control. Thank you, for nourishing me as I wait with you. 

Can I hold my question with the Lord without trying to solve it? 
Can I be patient with this thing that is unsolved in my heart?
Can I rest with my question in God's presence? 

Psalm 62:1
"I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation my fortress where I will never be shaken."

Last year in October, I completed my first half-marathon.  After finishing those beautiful 13.1 miles alongside of some of the best Rhode Island coastline, I knew I had run as far as I was able that day! Happily I stood sipping a Gatorade behind the finish line, now a spectator among hundreds of other onlookers. And as I peered around shoulders and heads, squeezing through to get a better look, the announcer spotted the first full-marathon racer heading right toward us! I couldn't see this person yet but that didn't stop any of us from cheering. Goosebumps came through my now dry salt-laced skin as I realized I was a part of something greater than myself. Watching that person cross over that finish line brought surprising tears to my eyes. This stranger, I had never seen before inspired something in me. I couldn't help but wonder if I was meant to run more than I had today.

After that race, I started thinking about what my big goal for the new year might be. As I got ready to hang up my 2015 calendar, I thought it over some more and wrote it down. I knew I wasn’t ready to run 26.2 miles yet - the butterflies in my stomach assured me of that - but I was ready to commit and begin.

The thing I love about setting a goal is how it gives me something specific to live toward.
A goal helps me keep my eyes open, aware, and moving toward Jesus with passion and growing endurance! It gives me a tangible focal point.

The marathon I chose was set for June 21, 2015 and the entire experience felt nothing short of miraculous to me. The race was set to start at 7:30am. on Sunday morning. As of 2am. I was sicker than I’ve been in years! Even as optimistic as I am, I began wondering if I’d be able to go. After months of hard work all my reserves had left me in minutes. Sometime after 2am. I was in the shower while Josh cleaned up my sick mess. Sometime after 3am. I was able to lay back down to rest. Sometime after that, I fell asleep to the beat of my heart praying to make this run!

At 5:10am. our alarm sang out and I woke to the sound of another potential obstacle.  Feeling physically strengthless, I slowly sat up in bed, cautious of how my body might still react and heard the sounds of heavy raindrops. I sat at the edge of the bed wondering about what the blister on my right big toe would think of me running in these conditions. Unsure of what would happen, I slowly forced myself to eat a pb & j and the banana Josh had brought me and felt a little strength returning. I put on my race clothes. I walked through the rain to the car and closed the door with Josh inside beside me, still unsure of myself but sure of God. I had no guarantees except that He would guide me.

I showed up.
We picked up our friend Jason, and once we were all there I knew I was still in it! I started stretching on an indoor track and met Tracy. She wasn't sure how the weather would affect her but wanted to run anyway just to "feel God's pleasure".  Me too, Tracy.
Josh and I started side by side. He was in it for the half-marathon and so was Jason, who was already ahead of us. About two and a half miles in Josh told me to go ahead because his knee was acting up. I stayed near him a little while longer and then knew I had to pull away and run my own race. Trusting God would provide for him, I took off.

It’s a funny thing to be reminded that when it comes down to it our race is our own. It’s personal and it's different from anyone else's.

At every station, I accepted a Dixie cup of Gatorade and thanked the people waiting for me in the pouring rain! When the miles really started adding up and racers were thinning out I ran along side a few other women, exchanging names and stories between breaths. We talked of where we were from and why we were here. Sometimes I ran alone - just Jesus and me. I knew I was more than lucky to be in attendance.

As I approached MILE 20, I broke into a huge relieved smile! Waiting in the rain with others at the water station was my personal volunteer. Our friend Brian had promised to join me to help me finish. Borrowing a line from another experienced 60-something year old runner I had tracked with through half the race, I shouted to Brian, “We’re doing this!” He jumped in with fresh, excited feet asking me right away how I was doing. It was a perfectly logical but loaded question; like asking a woman in the transitional stage of labor how she’s feeling. I hung in there with him by my side. With every next step Brian reminded me to just put one foot in front of the other, “pitter-patter, pitter-patter”... So, I just kept breathing and doing that.

During MILE 22, I got my first stomach cramp of the race. I told Brian and we slowed down a little until it dissipated. At MILE 23, we were entering the last leg of the journey, passing a few funny signs like; “Chafe now, brag forever," Ridiculously hilarious! We entered into the quiet part of the route, through the woods away from cars with only a few other almost-finishers in sight at this point. Branches, weighed down by the rain, dangled over our heads. Brian jumped up slapping a few leafy "high fives" and we ran on.

Brian told me that sometimes when he runs in the rain he feels like he’s being baptized again. It described exactly how I felt... Like wanting to follow, choosing to plunge into the water in front of  witnesses to share God's story of you more than anything!

Besides being really cold, I was now appreciating the fresh perspective of the rain. There were a few more silly signs sprayed on with paint on the paved path. I remember laughing quietly through my pain. At MILE 24, Brian told me the last mile would be more a victory lap because at that point I would have already succeeded. I hoped it would be true because I was hurting! At MILE 25, I felt it happen. It was like a gear inside me shifted. I wouldn’t have believed anyone who told me previously that I would have something left to give to that FINAL MILE but I did; it was true! I started sprinting and passed 3 people, Brian and I calling out encouraging things as we passed by each of them. It was cammaradorie at its best knowing we had all experienced the same terrain. I said things out loud to myself too like, "Come on, Amy!" and, "If I can give birth to four babies I can do this!" Brian affirmed everything I said.
My kind volunteer bowed out and left my side right before I ran under the huge UMO Black Bear blowup back onto the track field where we'd all started. I could hardly believe I was so close! The first people I saw were my children, then my husband, our friend Dean (who had chased me throughout the whole race in his car to check on how I was!), my nephews and sister in-law, my mom, my dad, my Grandma, and my friend Shannon. They all looked exactly the same. They all looked astonishingly beautiful to me!!! They were running all around cheering me over the finish line! I was finally here!


I showed up and I made it! It's truly a miracle I was able to ATTEND AND FINISH, under 5 hours in the cold rain, with a blister after being so sick! By the way, I found out later Tracy was the first woman to cross the finish line. Yay, Tracy! Yay, God!
I see my marathon the same way I see life.
What I’m learning is there’s always going to be variables at play. Things working for me and against me. It doesn't change the truth that who I sense I'm meant to become takes work!
It takes me establishing a routine...
It takes paying attention to how I'm doing along the way...
It takes commitment and endurance without knowing the exact outcome...
It takes God...  It takes his people!

​We're here to SHOW UP and do our very best with what we're given. It’s not as much about the "big" goals but about the "Full Life" Jesus offers. That my friend, is something that is guaranteed always and starts right NOW wherever you are.
I ran for God and me, and any of you out here; the onlookers, the witnesses to my story, and hoped you'd be encouraged in some way. Like the marathoner who unknowingly inspired me last October, if I've inspired you, I ran for you too.
My prayer was that my training and the marathon experience would become a part of who I am. And the more I’ve let it simply sink in over the past week and a half, I feel it has become a personal marathon miracle. That years from now I'll look back on this little piece of my story and be able to give God full glory! Arriving at this appointed destination and celebrating it through sweet reflection has become "the icing on the cake" for me. The journey, the months of training was just as important if not actually more than what happened on race day.

Whatever "race" you need to enter in your life right now, may you too run toward Jesus and become stronger for it! May you point your body and soul in one direction and don't stop until you get to the finish line.